I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar