@PettyRuxpin83

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

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@Cpin42

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

@bossy_bootz

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

@ksecaw

Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

@ThatBrenna

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@madeleinedoux

“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell

@AnkCoupleTO

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

@CAshmanActor

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts