I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings


People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.


Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail


Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it


Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self


Which doesnt belong?

Polar Bear

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East


“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell


[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no


gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots


I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts