Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Which doesnt belong?
Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East
“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts