I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.


When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host


me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then


What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.


Him: Your jokes just aren’t relatable to most people.

Me: *angrily binges on caviar*


[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.


If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.


[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]