@vineyille

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

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@momTruthBomb

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

@mrjohndarby

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

@Lance_Said_This

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

@tangledteatime

Him: Your jokes just aren’t relatable to most people.

Me: *angrily binges on caviar*

@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@Scdavis24

If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.

@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY