@Gupton68

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

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@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@RodLacroix

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

@brynnester

Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did

@djdarrellripley

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

@JohnLyonTweets

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

@MUMSIEesq

[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@elfy_scott

This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.