My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
this is why i’m friendless
Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker