I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
You Might Also Like
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
next question.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…