I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
You Might Also Like
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”