I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.