I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.


Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”


*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.


Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .


My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.


[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]


DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William


“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate


I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it


most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name