I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.


Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.


Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.


In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.


Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.


Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three


*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*


Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]