@DanLaMorte

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

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@Shower4Thought

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@TheWeirdWorld

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

@ChillGates69

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

@RealSudoNim

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

@TheAlexNevil

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”