*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You Might Also Like
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob