I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My work here is don’t.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
greetings!
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.