I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.