I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey


Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.


[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird


Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.


I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.


I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period


Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG


I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.


(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.


I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.