@sween
@FrazzleMyGimp
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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@FrazzleMyGimp
@juliussharpe
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.
@squirrel74wkgn
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
@Jamberee13
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
@LizHackett
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
@VikingJonesy
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
@nyquills
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
@DecantAndPour
I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.
@Gre_Gone
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
@UnFitz
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.