I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
is it earth
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.