@Jandalize

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

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@RodLacroix

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

@Parkerlawyer

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@nachdermas

REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale

@jaggings

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.

@Drytown1

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

@RachelNoise

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@ConanOBrien

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.