I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

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Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two


So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.


REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale


Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.


The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.


I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.


[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside


[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*


I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.