There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]