I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.