@roxaroodw

I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.

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@iamspacegirl

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.

@stuckinaportal

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

@xLiserx

Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!

@jaxwax04

[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

@KKAlThani

Happy International Women’s day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.

@steveolivas

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

@PostCultRev

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@dksc4life

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic