God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!
Happy International Women’s day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic