My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
That eye roll….
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.