Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
what day is it?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?