how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days