I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*