[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!