[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Who does Amazon think I am?