I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Finally, a door that understands me
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Never let them know your next move 😂
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
This meal prepping shit easy
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.