Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”