I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Monica just destroyed the internet
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)