“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.


Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]


Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*



Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.


[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*


I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her


I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.


S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.


I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.