I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.