I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.