I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.


[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.


So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.


I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.


Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 of their pups for sale on Facebook.


Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.


game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]