I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
They must have gotten it to go.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
not for long
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…