I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints