I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
What in the hipster hell is going on here
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?