Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
work smarter, not harder
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended