@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

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@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

@just1fool

After years of failure, the “scientist” that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@markleggett

“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second