@Brianhopecomedy: I lost the birth video of my son so I'm at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I'll just zoom in close so my wife won't be able to tell.
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@david8hughes: [at ultrasound] Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex? Me: yeah that's why we're here
@Tups13: Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
@xLiserx: Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I'll cook breakfast Wife: Whatcha making? M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise W: REALLY? M: No. One Pop Tart or two?