[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.