I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
You Might Also Like
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
A bold strategy
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Unexpected Judgment
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’ve been drinking.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Body by cheese-puffs.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*