@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

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@bossy_bootz

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@rickygervais

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

@Lisa_Laughs_

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

@dougbies

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

@OBiiieeee

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs