I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.