Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Camping tip: No.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.