ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Your honor these allegations are
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.