I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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Oh, I bet you would be
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Natural selection at its finest
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”