I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

You Might Also Like


I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.


Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.


*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising


when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it


This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”


In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.


Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.


A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.


Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.