I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
thanksgiving in nutshell
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Wednesday
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea