@aveuaskew

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

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@mommajessiec

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

@thenatewolf

*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

@mishacollins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

@notalogin

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

@envydatropic

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.