I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!