I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
getting old is fun
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years