I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You Might Also Like
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Single and childfree like Jesus
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
relationship goals
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.