I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Oh deer
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?