Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.