@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

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@Drivelodeon

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

@SandwichGhoul

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@Sassafrantz

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@CourtneyBale

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

@dreamthievin

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

@stephenjmolloy

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

@TheHyyyype

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends