@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

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@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@Connan22

I will force my way into an inside joke and kill the fun before I let two people laugh about something I don’t get.

@jedfudally

someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

@MetteAngerhofer

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

@Gupton68

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter