The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.