I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds