@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

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@Fickle_Filly

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

@halvewit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@Its_Miss_Riss

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@SkunkFarts

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.