I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I have many caverns
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
huge if true: the moon
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.