If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.
Would be 100%. But, Texas.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.
I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”
I hate you
13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?
Siri: I clear your browser history.
Me: That’s right darling.