@myonlymizztake

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

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@TheMichaelRock

If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.

Would be 100%. But, Texas.

@secondofhername

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

@Swishergirl24

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

@MunkMania

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

@juliussharpe

I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

@jazmasta

Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you

@LittleMissAngr1

13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.

@TheHatStore

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

@seamussaid

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.