@myonlymizztake

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

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@pro_failure

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

@BeefedUpStud

Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.

@MadameSnippy

I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@stacywawa1

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

@PULPKetchup

What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.

@twayne1010

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.