I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”


Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.


I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.


I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.


If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.


C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings


Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.



robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no


What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.


If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.