I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

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If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.

Would be 100%. But, Texas.


If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.


I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.


Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.


I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.


Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you


13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.


[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there


my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store


Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.