I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Canada has crack?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
*orders delivery*