I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

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[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff


A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.


“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”


I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”

10 : “Dopamine”


My toddler took her toy phone and hit me in the head with it.

It was still less painful than a real phone call.


They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.


Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.


daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]


M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.